the girl, the angsty ones, and the shirtles wonder
by Ammee
Summary: a girl reluctently goes to the movies, only to be sucked into eclipse, and mabye ruin the plot for all... hehehe
1. Chapter 1

**ONE**

My name is harmony knight I'm sixteen and have long flowing wavy brown hair and bright big brown eyes. I'm 1/16 Kiowa with an ego as big as her ass, which isn't saying very much because ass is small and I do not need it to get any bigger. My height is 5"5 ½, I don't walk straight sadly I stumble around. It's quite annoying really, especially when I have to pass witty comments toward the people the people sitting behind my seat.

Let me tell you where I am right now. Not that I want to. Folks I am sitting with my fifty five year old mom watching the twilight saga movie marathon in a cold dark unheated theatre room. In fact the only reason I am there watching the stupid movies is because I got tickets for my mom and myself for her birthday. And let me tell you she's obsessed. Geez the things you do for the people who your related to. Well actually were not blood related. She adopted me when I was very small and annoying. But I hate to break it to you I've almost always been annoying and I don't think that will ever change.

Before I get too caught up in my story I would like to add that I'm an empath and the emotions of all the people in this room are really over whelming, painful, and annoying.

Anyways the third movie, aka eclipse, aka soooo…. Dumb! Is at the part where Bella who's frigid and boring and Edward who's always has a constipated look on his face, are sitting in a tent on the top on a mountain encrusted with snow waiting for Jacob. The shirtless shape shifter wolf guy that every woman and girl fawns over, except yours truly, yep! you guessed it, me. His shirtless hot guy power has no power over me. And I hope to keep it that way. But hope isn't always such a strong word and it can cause serious danger to someone like me. Someone who's a danger magnet and laughs in the face of it.

So I'm officially starring at the screen smirking leaning back in the chair with my arms crossed.

Deep inside of me past my smirk I am wishing to somehow appear outside the tent inside the movie and annoy the characters as much as I can, and have a magical messenger bag appear with me and I would be able to pull anything I wish for out of the bag.

And surprisingly I got my wish because not even a second later a bright pink light came out of the screen and engulfed me in it.

I mumbled along the lines of "god… I hate pink…"

**TWO**

I awoke standing outside a tent. And yay! I had the messenger bag I asked for.

"I wish for a tub of popcorn and a chair to sit on…" I whispered to the bag. Not moments later my bag grew kind of heavy and I opened it pulling out the chair and sitting in it, pulling out the tub of popcorn and began munching away loudly, while facing the tent.

I had been enjoying my popcorn immensely when the shirtless wonder appeared stomping toward me and my popcorn. I held my popcorn close to me as if protecting it from harm, If popcorn can even be harmed? Heheheh!

"Mwa! Ha! Ha!… my popcorn, my own my precious…" I said obsessively over my yummy popcorn.

Jacob Black gave me a weird look. He thought I was crazy. "who are you and what the heck I you doing?"

"what does it look like jakey boy, I am enjoying some delicious popcorn..." I offer him some, "wants some dude?"


	2. Chapter 2

-THREE-

This twilight character… I think the shirtless guy was called Jacob… *shrugs* how the hell should I know, well any way he look at me dumb founded, or maybe he was just dumb.

So I decided what any twilight hater would do… I threw popcorn a him… "die! Put a shirt on, your Gonna poke someone's eye out! What you shirt ever do to you?" I kept on pelting popcorn at the eye poker outer.

Until…

He grabbed my tub of popcorn and chucking off the mountain side…

"Nooooooooooooooooo… you shirtless murderer… my popcorn is.. GONE!" I yelled waving my armed frantically in the air.

"What is wrong with you?" that guy in front of me said, "it's only popcorn and you're acting like it's alive… seriously you're Crazy!"

I turned around facing the shirtless insulter that will pay for his injustice toward my popcorn!

"Jakey… Jakey… Jakey.. Jakey boy!" I said shaking my head, "You do not know what you have done… you have insulted steve! And now you must I die!"

Jake raises his incredibly tweezed eye brows at me, "who the hell is steve…?"

"Steve was my POPCORN! And you murdered him Malibu Barbie! You threw my best friend off the cliff!"

I screamed very loudly, so loudly that I think Jacob was plugging his ears… "I vow to myself that you will die! But not before I torture you're soul!"

"ok…" he say's backing away slowly… "you're kinda freaking me out!"

"oh I know! And you're about to be stalked by miniature teletubbies that no one will be about to see but you and me!" And with that I pulled out a jar from my bag with tiny, tiny, teletubbies pressing their little infant faces on the glass of the jar…

"Oh my god!" he squeaked…

"oh my god is right! Jakey boy!"

"you really were serious..." he gets down on his knees begging me to not torture him for his unimaginable crimes… "please! Don't do this! Please I will do any thing to not be as crazy as you!"

"SILENCE!" I yelled.

"please… I beg of you!" Jacob sobbed "don't do this…"

"I said Shut up! Jakey boy you need to learn a lesson and how crappy this movie is! Stupid Twilight Saga!" and with that I opened the jar and threw the teletubbies upon him... "there you go jakey! Now to destroy the bella and Edwards sanity!"


	3. Chapter 3

-FOUR-

"bella… Edwardo…" I whisper inching closer to the tent, "I'm coming to ruin you're pitiful and angsty life…"

Meanwhile Jacob is screaming like a girl as the teletubbies chase him into the deep dark parts of the enchanted Disney forest… where little birdies… deer… and hungry wolves wait for their evening meal.

**audience in the back row of the theater GASP and in the very back row Helena Bonham Carter faints falling into the abyss…**

**dun dun dun**

Sooo… back to me! at the moment I am unzipping the tent and leaps at me, so I decide to spray him with VAMP-BEGONE! And he disappears as if he never existed…

Lucky me, before I skipped over to bella, I had decided to to wear an Edward Cullen suit… I zipped it up and sat down next to bella who was sound asleep. An ingenious plan came to my mind… and I began whispering random things at bella swan…. Mwa ha ha hah!

"Slut… drama queen… I am a pansy… I never wanted you anyway..." I said imitating Edwards stupid voice…

What bella didn't even begin to realize as she woke up was that I am not here soppy boyfriend, heck I'm not even a guy… I'm girl who finds this entirely Amusing.

"Edward…?" she... "is that you?"

I unzip my vamp suit, revealing my other suit which happens to make me look like Kermit the frog, "oh sorry bout' that!" bella's eyes fall out… and I'm not about to help he put them back in… hehehe…

Then I unzipp my frog suit, revealing me in all my glory! "I am you're worse nightmare…" I said squinting my eyes at her!"

"uhh.. why are you squinting at me?" she asked, "and where's Edward…"

I stopped squinting and smiled evilly.. "I'm sorry to say! But you dear edwardo… is…"

She interrupted me, "Edward… his name is Edward.."

I roll my eyes at her, "whatever…" I smirk…

"what did you do with him..?" bella firkin swan shouts…"

"I sprayed him with vamp-begone… he's gone baby gone!" I start laughing like a crazy person.

"what the hell?" she say's cries looking at the floor… she looked up at me, "why… why'd you do it…"

"because you twilight characters are so Lame-ass! And firkin boring as hell…" I say, "enough talk! Soooo… bella I have a surprise present for you…"

"I don't like surprises…" she starts to say but me being the most amazing person that I am get's her to shut up….

"Too bad! This movie sucks already… and I'm perfecting it…"

And so I pull a bottle of bubbles out, I open it blowing a huge bubble around her until she stuck inside…

And poke the bubble and it pops leaving no Bella and only her cloths & shoes behind…


	4. Chapter 4

it was now time to go to italy. i could deal with the rest of the sparkely cullen's later, but for now i snatched edwards wallet that lay tragiclly where he once stood. and i floated out of the tents hovering above the ground instead of walking. hell i was extremely lazy, you would be too if you had a magical messanger bag that could grant you your wishes.

**fist pumps the air** YES!

i appeared the port angeles airport a few seconds later. i made quite the entrance. i appeared surrounded by grey mist with rainbow sparkes glittering perfectly around me.

i already had my ticket and i then took a plane to voltura italy. along the way there was this middle aged woman who kept belching every five seconds and i was disgusted by the mere precense of this old hag. she was really getting on my nerves.

i dont know why i didn't think of it before but opened my bag and pulled out a paper bag with a label that read magical wish away dust.

so i opened the paper bag and began sprinkling in into the belcher's hair. "I WISH THE GOBLIN KING WOULD COME AND TAKE YOU AWAY RIGHT NOW!"

but as i said this i heard the earie voice of david bowie, or jareth, but whatever. "send her some where else i already have a bunch of teenage girls and woman in their late twenties trying to wish themselves away. please do me a favor send her some where else, i suggest the planet of the apes movie or war of the worlds. she be dead within in the moment she arrived... take my advice send her some where else besides the underground... ive got to go miley cyrus is poking me, justin beiber is singing his voice is bothering me. and amanda bynes is running toward me shrieking. got to run."

"well that was wierd." i shrugged then what he said the idea, it hit me like when my brother threw a sack of potato's at my head. "sorry lady... I WISH YOU WOULD GO INTO THE NEWEST PLANET OF THE APES MOVIE." And to my luck she disapeared. one can only hope she has suffered for her belching which smelled like onions and rotten eggs. **shudders at thought. **

so i decided to bring my best friend into this world of twilight. "i wish caela jane was here sitting next to me so she could help me cause mayhem in stephanie meyes world. one can only hope she'll want to help me bother the volturi. i was so going to love this. these angsty twilight characters are doomed. doomed i tell you.

so caela Jane appeared in the seat beside me she was hyperventalation. i pulled out a frappuccino "here have a coffee." i said handing it to her.

"thank you.." Caela turned to me, "harmony! geeze why are you here, where the hell am i and why are we sitting on a plane drinking coffee."

"Caela earlier in this story i decided to wish myself into some movie called eclipse and i planning to ruin the plot and to rid the world of sparkely gay vamps, shirtless were shapeshifter, and angsty teenage girls... will you join my adventurous crusade of choas... and torture the charators, or will you be lame and be a fangirl and turn into a marysue. will you join me and be apart of a most excellent adventure." i hled out my hand for my friend to shake...

"most definatly dude... bring it.." she said smiling evilly at me...

"excellent!" i said darkly while rubbing my hands togethor like a creepy person, "it shall be done..."

caela and i arrived in voltera. i made4s both take potions from my bag that would stop vampires from wanting to drink our blood, and give us immunity over there powers and now we had powers super streangth. we even had costumes. i was dressed as the joker from the dark knight over and caela was dressed in a jack sparrow costume. i could shoot lazers out of my ass, read minds emotiions the future, fly walk thru walls and turn invisable andrun faster than any vampire... caela could go back in time, stop time freeze it, could shrink people till they were two inches tall, and had the power to to tickle anyone just by looking at them.

who opened some huge door that would lead us to the vampires, all of a sudden jane that blond who looks like dakota fanning came toward us. she tried to cause us pain with her vamp powers but when it didn't work, she smiled, "come aro is exspecting you both... uhhhhh... nice costumes..." she said leading us down a hallway.

"yeah i was trying to go go for a more manly approuch..." i said straighting my shirt collar.. even though i was a girl not a guy, born and raised. "i'm very manly and tough."

caela smacked me on the back of my head... "ouch" i said rubbing my head glaring at my friend..

jane or dakota fanning, snicked behind her hand rather loudly as she led me and caela towards those kingly vampires, royal my ass!

we walked of ,pressing foward where no one in my story thats a twilight hater had ever dared venture before, i put my past behind me and never looked back..

jane opened the huge double doors, revieling aro, Caius, and somebody else who i dont even care for.

i began sobbbing tears flew out of my eyes. my tear were beautiful. my totally getting jane and caela hair wet. mabye i should stop... naw... "mom mum mommy mommy! " i said sobbing from my place on the floor i tried to scoot away but caela took my arm and yanked it, dragging me toward those icky spakely vampire dudes... "come on this was your idea.."

"noooooooooo you'll ne4ver take me alive... traitor!" i cried and i began shouting profanaty's about vampires..

i stood up finally, caela let go of my arm and i brushed my self off... "well remind me to never to drink seven vente frappuccino's again, i really need a hobby or another coffee" i pulled aother carmel frappuccino out of my bag and starting draining it faster than you can say potter puppet pals...

when i was finished i chucked the empty plastic cup behind me hitting alec in the face. he and demitri growled at me.

"finally that's the the eighth coffee i'd had today.. so worth it..." i said then i spotted a mirror across the room checked my self out and winked at my relction in the mirror. "yep even with this costume and clown make up i look good, i'm hot!"

i could hear cauis chuckling at me i looked at him glaring, "you silly vampires are so not hotter than me, i must be a babe to look at"

caela rolled her eyes and laughed loudly... "you are so vain." she said..

"am not!" i stick my toungue out at my friend the shrug... "i mean not even richard simmons is as hott as me i'm untouchable..."

caela snickered at me, "i hate to break it to you richard simmons isn't even hott... he's kind of an oddball..."

i shook my head sadly, "the truth is caela no ones at hott as me not even you..."

my friend gasps and fall over and mock faints then grinns.. "that is where you are you are wrong harmony i am so much hotter that you. i beat even orlando bloom at hottness even johnny depp and the younger version of leonardo decaprio can't even compare to my hottness..."

she began to stand up but we both fell over laughing... "i know we are like the hottess people in exsistence..." i said giggling...

"yeah no one is as hott as us..." caela said laughing head off... of coarse it did fall off and i had to get up and reatach it to her body... it was sad...


	5. Chapter 5

after laughing like the crazy person that i am we stood up. aro got off hit his throne and walked up to us clapping his hand togethor... "greetings welcome to voltura" he said inching ever so slightly closer by each second...

"and may the force be with you my young padawan..." i said bowing like a jedi... "and live long and prosper why don't ya and leave us real people with souls and good looks alone, comprenday.?"

Aro ignored me or at leaste he tried to i even saw him wince as i began to poke him with a butter knife spreading butter all over his arm... "if only you were made of bread.." i sigh at that thought then eurika! i pull out a vial from my bag and smash it into pieces all over aro's arm. and just like magic aro shrunk down and morphed into a piece of bread... i pick ed aro up and began nibblering at him... oh the wonders of bread.

i offered some to caela, "you got to try aro he tastes good as bread..."

"that is just gross harmony..." caela points a finger at me... "put that aro loaf down right now!"

the rest of the volturi look desgusted, the guard is shocked, and jane is rolling all over the floor laughing...

i hold the loaf aka aro closer to me protecting it so i could eat aro, "never! you can't have this bread. this loaf of aro is mine... my own my precious... all mine for the taking..." i begin nibbling on aro again... "mmmmmmmm... so tasty kinda tastes like mango sherbert... and you cannot have it, no one can... all mine! i will eat all of him..."

caela glares, "then you leave me no choice! drop that loaf bread we call aro... or face theconsequences..."

sadly i had just popped the last piece of bread into my mouth.. aro was no more, he was food in my belly... "all gone caela! it was heavenly you should try vampires bread sometime... it's too die for.." i have a sinister glint i my eyes as all the rest of volturi jane and the guard flee from the room... "awwwww... shucks there goes my second helpings..."

"that's it!" caela hissed, "you sicken me..."

i licked the crumbs off my fingersand shrugged, "and? your point is...

"i too can wish for things that i want harmony..." caela said simply, suddenly heard a 1990's chilren show theme song drifting slowly up thru the halllway towards us... deep echoing foot falls boomed down the corridor.

i could faintly hear his lyical voice as the words to this pathetic song drew louder with each step he took.

_**i love you **_

_**you love me**_

_**were a happy family**_

_**with a great big hug **_

_**and a kiss from me 2 you **_

_**wont you say you love me too...!**_

"NO! how could you caela! havn't i told you how much i fear that purple and grewen dinosouar!" i screamed is fear of my life...

"it's eather that or i draw the koolaid man on you forhead... with the words oh yeah witten across you fat upper lip!" she exclaimed calmly

"my upper lip is not fat, your upper lip is fast!

"make a choice!" she suddenly yelled at me...

"damn! well... since you have agood point i will take down barney the dinasouar and flushhis head down the toilet never to be seen again, except by probably the plumber..."

"you do that!" she yelled

"fine i will caela and i will do it with my bare hands and my awsome fists of glory!" i shouted like a hero.. hey... i've alway's been the hero of my heart to begin with...

and that will never change...

the double doors opened and the stood barney standing at about height and size of a my pomeranian. boy! barney was tiny... wellthere was only one thing to do..

and with that i grabbed a flae thrower and burnt him to a crisp.. barney was gone... unless...

much louder foot fall were pounding toward my general direction... this must of been barney kid. oh shiznig! not again...

i looked around for caela to ask he why, but she was gone she had just vanished into thin air...

"gee thanks i see how it is leave me to fend off the objects of your revenge..." i cried saldy...

"i've decided to go back to america. back to the real world" i heard her voice whisper in the air... "have fun this is just too wierd... your to wierd! later"

as i wiped away my tears, i saw barney standing right i front off me... "screw this!" i said so i jumped in to the air... punching barney down, and pulled out a lightsaber cutting off his head...

i left his head on the stoone floor and dragged barney's body threw the home of the sissy vampire's. i found a bathroom and flushed body down the toilet...

i had about enough of this... my head hurt... so i wished to be back with my mom in the movie theater. and with a rather large pop! i was whisked away and reapeared standing in front of the audience and my mom in the rather crouded theater... their mouths had dropped open... and their eyes looked like they wouldpop out...

"looks like they saw everything" i muttered aloud to my self. i sat down again with my mom... and i let my mom finish watching the rest of the twilight saga while i slept in the theater chair dreaming about a loaf of bread... and how i wanted to eat it...


End file.
